The Thinker

I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

Its been 10 short years. A lot has happened in that time. I have watched life change and evolve. The winds of change, sands through the hour glass, etc, etc. Life is both Long & Short!

I have mentioned my journal a few times, especially recently in my blog "Still Smiling". I definitely credit my journal for giving me the ability to write these blogs. Although there have been a couple of people who think that its alcohol that gives me the ability. I do have to admit that on some occasions it has influenced either the inspiration or the written oratory. Not always both though. A lot of my blogs get written days or weeks after the little light bulb over my head pops on. This one is actually being written almost 2 weeks from the actual 10 year anniversary of my journal. Although the date of the posting is the correct date, so if you know that you have checked my blog since May 26 but wondering how you missed this.............well now ya know. Its just been a busy couple of weeks. The time frame is usually only a few days, it usually doesn't take this long.

Well it has officially been 10 years since I started keeping my journal. My previous blog stole a lot of my own thunder on this subject but I still wanted to mention it today. Its also my niece Jenia's 11th birthday. I am excited about this day. 10 years ago I didn't really think that I would keep this up for this long of a period. It has helped me a lot though. I have learned from my mistakes, although sometimes I haven't learned enough. I have grown wiser, yet some people still call me a dumb ass.

I guess 'this' blog is just as much about 'my' blog as it is my journal. Both are tools I have used to reflect on my past and try to grow. The big difference is the journal is almost daily, random, & private. The blog is more spontaneous, specific, and recently received some ironic criticism. I like looking back and see what was going on 3, 4, or 7 years ago. Old memories that would have been long forgotten. I wish I was writing a blog about the 20 year anniversary instead.

I have always been a thinker and a contemplater. I always like to think things out ahead of time. I know you can never plan for everything but its always good to be ready for any possibility. I have even been criticized for over analyzing things, looking back though there are many times when I was definitely extemporaneous. My personality usually doesn't always fit one particular mold. I think I probably start to over analyze but right before I get it all figured out, I do something totally off the wall. Its interesting to look back and see different patterns in my behavior or the events going on around me. Sometimes even the trivial events bring back some of the best memories. Probably he biggest difference in the last 10 years would have to be the grammar and spelling. I hated grammar and spelling when I was in school. When I started writing it was a mess, the more I wrote the more those mistakes stuck out to me. I still make a lot of mistakes though. I don't know what I would do without a spell check and Randy will always be asking me if I 'saw it' or 'seen it'.

I definitely recommend to anyone that is trying to figure out the path laid out before you or which turn to take next to keep a journal. Take it from me, the path ahead of you will never become clear, but at least you may understand a little better where you are coming from.

I came across a interesting quote today. Its not one that I agree with 100% but it definitely gives me a chance to sit in the pose like the picture above and ponder.
"the only 2nd chance we get is the chance to make the same mistake twice." - from some movie i wasn't really watching and don't know the name of

Rockin' out with Matt & Liz

Happy Birthday, Liz. Its the big 22, your still a young'un though.

Everyone knows that my life has went through a rocky patch the last 2 years. Its been just about 6 months since I have met you and Matt, things have really slowed down since then, which has been very good. There is really only one person that has known what has been going on inside my mind over the last 6 months. Its been a quieter rocky time. I never really let you or Matt in all the way with what was going on, except for the time I let Matt read one of the txt messages on my cell phone and he proceeded to read them all. Even though you two haven't been privy to all that was going on, you both still understood and were there for me, even when no one knew anything was wrong.

I have been really open about things going on in my life over the last 2 years (at least open for a hermit like me), so I'm sure some people were wondering why I held back so much on this particular story. Well I guess its just a old story that has been repeating its self for 5 years now. Now I would have loved to have shared this story with everyone, but even though I'm not a psychic, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once or twice so I had a very good idea of the outcome. I have seen it happen a few times before and I figured it would be easier if I didn't have to explain anything when it all came crashing down. Have you heard the song by John Mayer - Slow dancing in a burning room? It says it all.

You two have really become part of my family. Right down to coming to my family functions, just to get ammo on me. The teddy bear is safe back were it belongs, HA. You both mean a lot to me. Liz, your like a sister with your happy smile that always cheers me up and gets me in the mood to drink more margaritas than I probably should. Matt, The Guardian. Always ready to lend a hand, whether its getting my back when some punk is trying to piss on my car or the quiet acknowledgement you know something is bothering me. When my old hang outs were not familiar to me anymore, you guys brought me back to my older hangouts that have not been familiar to me for a long time. You made them home again and helped me find new roads to travel. No, I'm not talking about the ghetto in Pittsburgh either :)

I truly don't know what I would have done over the last 6 months if I didn't have you two to hang out with.

Enough of that, Now its Summer time, time for some new adventures. See ya this weekend!

Don't you think we oughta know by now?

Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

Flux

The universe is flux, life is opinion. -- Marcus Aurelius

In WonderLand

This is for those of you who didn't know what a blog was before you started to read this one. Don't worry, as this comic shows there are quite a few of you out there. We computer geeks just like to make fun of you. Its all good. If you have trouble reading the comic, just click on the pic & it will enlarge.

Mothers Day

This blog was originally posted on 5/13/2006
Ya I know I'm a slacker, I should have really came up with something more original for mothers day than to re-post the same thing from last year. But I'm usually 2 or 3 days behind what I want to write so it didn't get done this year. I Really liked what I wrote last year. She hasn't scratched my car this year, yet, but a few months ago she did do something much worse. I invited her to have dinner with me and some of my friends in Pittsburgh. While at dinner she proceeded to tell them every embarrassing story about me from the time I was 3 days old till around 6. Its been a few months and i still haven't heard the end of it. Its so bad that when my family comes down on Memorial day that my friends want to come along just so they can see my mom and meet the rest of my family for more embarrassing stories. Despite all of this I still love ya mom. I just don't think your funny, even if all my friends think your freakin Hilarious! :)


Well its Mothers Day, but this year seems a little different than usual. So much has happened over the last year. So much that it seems like I have gotten to learn more about your character and strength over the last year than I have in my first 31. I have always loved my mom, but I guess I didn't always know how amazing she was.

This morning in church everyone was standing up and giving testimony about their mothers. How they had loving tender hearts, great wisdom, and kindness beyond compare. I was thinking about what I could say and all I could come up with was "Butter Fingers". This morning as we were getting ready to leave my mom put the first scratch on my brand new car, that I have not even had for 3 weeks. If it wasn't mothers day I would have kicked her in the shin. Later on I was thinking about all the crazy stuff I did when I was a kid. The time I unraveled the blanked she was crocheting, I thought I was helping. Or the time I decided to climb over the book shelf and broke it. I realized that after all the things of hers I broke that the little scratch on my car makes us almost even. I still have a few more book shelves to climb to make up for this transgression.

Actually a good word would be selfless. After my dad passed my mom was a great support to his family. Helping to mend rifts and bad feelings that had lasted many years. She helped keep things organized and running smoothly and peacefully as possible during the funeral. She was a rock for my sisters & I, & even for the people who were not always kind to her when she was married to my dad. When Frank died she did the same thing for his family. Taking a back seat and worrying more about others than her own grief. I have never seen anyone be so strong or care so much about others in the face of tragedy.

I never realized how strong of a person you were or how hard things were for us. I think at times you may have felt bad about how us kids grew up. I remember living in the trailer and my bed room was a book shelf moved up against a corner with a cot in it. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't realize we were poor. I also remember when I had to get my first pair of glasses and you cried because I didn't like any of the frames we could afford. Well the pair of glasses I have now, the frames alone cost $200, and if it wasn't for you and the way we grew up I wouldn't have been able to afford that or any of the things I have today. Including the new car you put a scratch in.

I don't think most people think about how hard it would be to raise 3 kids by yourself. That's something I never really considered growing up. I have a very good friend who is a single mom and is raising 3 kids. Talking to her over the last year has really reminded me of you and a lot of the things we went through as a family. Just like you, she wants what's best for her kids and is willing to sacrifice to make their lives better. That takes a special kind of strength that a lot of people, even people with kids, don't understand or have.

We had a lot of good times though. It was a fun childhood. Even the time you laughed as you beat us. :) I used to think you were the only mother that has done that, till today when the preacher in church had a very similar story about his mom. I wouldn't have changed any of it, the good or the bad. We have lots of fond memories and lots of good times.I'm sure there will be lots more crazy adventures for us all.

I know when I grow up I want to be more like you, just not as clumsy.

Love Ya Mom!

I know my sisters are going to add to this, so please read the comments.

All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother. - Abe Lincoln.

cuatro días de Cinco de Mayo

In case you don't understand the title of this blog, you need to learn some Spanish. Its kinda like the 12 days of Christmas, only shorter, and it involves lots of margaritas & a road trip from Altoona to Pittsburgh and back. And a Mariachi band singing Guantanamera. Ok, that doesn't rhyme but so what. Mas Tequila.

We started at Chilli's on Friday night then hit a different El Campasino the next 3 nights. It was a blast. We made some new friends and I got to see some old friends I don't get to see as often anymore. It was great seeing Jose, Ramon, Chino, & Raphael. We miss you guys! I'm sure we will make another road trip and see you guys again soon. We have to see Felix next time, sorry we missed you this trip.

Happy Cinco de Mayo

Mas Tequila Por Favor

Solamente Una Vez

I had a dream Friday night/Saturday morning. I always write my dreams down in my journal. I didn't have time to write this one down because we were off to Pittsburgh for Cinco de Mayo & I was slightly hungover from the night before. The dream weighed heavy on my shoulders and I sent myself a text message so I would remember to write it down when I got home. I kinda half forgot about it while we were celebrating Cinco De Mayo, but every time I would get a text message it would remind me that I needed to write it down. The weight eventually lifted but it was still in the back of my mind.

Last night I was out with some friends. We were celebrating Cinco De Mayo for the forth day in a row. I'm not going to get into the details of what happened, but it was to close to what happened in my dream to be just a coincidence. I wasn't sure what to do or how to handle the situation. Even though I had been given 3 days warning. I know that in my dream I didn't handle the situation well at all. I just got angry and walked away from it. That's probably why it weighed so heavy on me. Last night I think I did very well, not because of me but because of the people I was with. Over the last two years I have gotten wiser and better at dispensing wisdom. I do have some of the greatest friends in the world. We help each other out.

That night ended up being a good night, at least for me. I had fun with my friends, in one of my favorite places in the world. A place that I almost lost a couple of years ago. I want to thank Jose for making me feel back at home during that rough time in my life. Its good to have friends like that. To dance with, laugh with, to comfort and be comforted. Friends to bring you back home, friends to feed you when you cant remember to eat.

I was on a roller coaster of past memories. Things I thought I handled better at the time, but was confronted with my weakness, even though it was of no consequence to me. Things I didn't know how to handle and I'm still not sure where it went wrong. Old friends, new friends, singing and dancing. I heard one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard, and I didn't understand a single word of the song. I just felt the aurora of the music.

Later that night I was talking to Alice. I told her about the dream and what had happened. The really Serendipitous part took place today. We were talking on the phone while she was on her way to work. She reminded me of a song that she had probably first mentioned a month ago. I never got around to looking it up before, but when I looked it up tonight I started to write this blog.

The song reflected so much what was going on last night. It also hit close to home for me. Everyone gets their digs in, especially when they shouldn't. Its the little dig's that build walls & dig up foundations. When I first heard the song I couldn't help but think of all my failed relationships and how things may have been different if we would have both taken the advice. I wasn't lamenting though. That's water under the bridge or over the dam or wherever the water goes when its in the past. Looking forward I hope that someone thinks of this song when I'm being a pain in the ass, because its much easier to build walls than it is to climb them.

"Only Once"
Don't forget!


Incubus - Dig

We All Have A Weakness But Some Of Ours Are Easy To Identify.
Look Me In The Eye And Ask For Forgiveness;
We'll Make A Pact To Never Speak That Word Again
Yes You Are My Friend.

We All Have Something That Digs At Us,
At Least We Dig Each Other
So When Weakness Turns My Ego Up
I Know You'll Count On The Me From Yesterday

If I Turn Into Another
Dig Me Up From Under What Is Covering
The Better Part Of Me
Sing This Song
Remind Me That We'll Always Have Each Other
When Everything Else Is Gone.

We All Have A Sickness
That Cleverly Attaches And Multiplies
No Matter How We Try.
We All Have Someone That Digs At Us,
At Least We Dig Each Other

So When Sickness Turns My Ego Up
I Know You'll Act As A Clever Medicine.
If I Turn Into Another
Dig Me Up From Under
What Is Covering The Better Part Of Me.
Sing This Song!
Remind Me That We'll Always Have Each Other
When Everything Else Is Gone.
Oh Each Other....When Everything Else Is Gone.

reminiscence and closure

its 6:38 AM. im driving home. listening to a cd i made not to long ago.
im not mad anymore! im just lost for words.


Pink Floyd - Lost For Words

I was spending my time in the doldrums
I was caught in a cauldron of hate
I felt persecuted and paralyzed
I thought that everything else would just wait

While you are wasting your time on your enemies
Engulfed in a fever of spite
Beyond your tunnel vision reality fades
Like shadows into the night

To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
because there’ll be no safety in numbers
When the Right One walks out of the door

Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While the ivy grows over the door

So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can't win

Always Young At Heart

Robert 'Bus' Alter
November 21, 1953 - May 1, 2005