Just like Life, and most of my previous Blog entries, this one didn't turn out quite like I had intended. What I Miss The Most, I had such a hard time coming up with something to write about on that topic. Its not that I don't miss the old man. I just found that I couldn't come up with the words, every time I would try my mind would wander to other things. Things that made me smile.
Almost everyone at a funeral has their own little moment. A moment alone where they say their goodbye. I don't remember if I said "goodbye" or not, I don't think I actually did. I do remember what I did say though. "You made me proud Old Man, You made me proud." It was such a long day. So many people. It was spitting a little bit of snow that day in North Western Pennsylvania and the line was around the building. Some people waited in line for 2 hours that day. It was amazing, just to hear all the stories about Dad, and getting to meet all the people that knew him and considered him a friend. Some I knew, some I didn't, others I had only heard stories about. I have never seen anything like it, and I was proud that so many people loved and respected him, and that was my father.
I remember when I was probably between 8 & 10. There was a back road between the farm and Meadville that we used to drive on a lot. The road was named after someone, I cant even remember the persons name. Being at that age I wanted to try to express my own opinions. I made some comment about not wanting to be remembered by having my name on some small road. I don't know why I said it, why I still remember that comment of over 20 yrs ago, or why sometimes when I drive down that road I remember and feel a little guilty about saying it. I will never have a road, or anything for that matter named after me, but I definitely know now how I wish to be remembered.
What makes me proud. Its a much more fitting title. I am proud of a lot of things. My family. I know so many people that don't get along with their family. The Alter side has been through some rough patches in the past, but I'm glad to see most of us have came through it for the better. My 3 sisters and my Giant little brother. It makes me proud the things we have in common, and I am so so so so very very verrry thankful for some of the things we don't. I was proud when at the viewing someone mistook my brother Colton for my son. Even though I am much better looking than he is, I was still proud (he doesn't have the internet yet, so he wont be able to read this for a few more weeks).
I was proud this weekend when I got to spend time with Colton, watching him compete in a competition for area football players. It was a lot like the Strong Man Competition. I know Dad was there and looking down on us, and he was proud. Im also proud that for some strange reason, after all these years, I now listen to country music.
I am very proud when someone tells me I look like the old man or that I do something that reminds them of him. One of my favorite stories involves 2 people who have never met him. My friend Leanne was on her way from State College to Altoona, she was going to visit some of her family. She stopped and took me along with her. She saw the picture of my dad and commented that we had the same smile. Later in the evening we were at her Uncle Arrow's place, jamming on the bongo's and having a good time. He had never met me before but said that he liked me because I had a friendly smile. It was awesome for me to have the connection between those two comments. It made me feel very good.
I know that he is proud of not only his children, but the rest of his family as well. He always had a big heart and I'm sure he is proud of the way we have all pulled together and became the family we haven't been in many years. I know it makes me proud. I can see him looking down on us with that big shit eaten grin on his face. I know I have had a few moments where he was looking down and laughing, but this probably isn't the appropriate place to share those moments. Some of those, I am not so proud of.
I know there is going to be some comments posted on this blog, so make sure you read them and please feel free to add your own.
I guess what I miss the most is that there will be no new opportunities to learn ways that we were alike. No new memories to look back upon. Even though I didn't feel I needed to say any goodbye's or I Love You, as I write this there is one thing I wish I could have said to him. "You made me proud Old Man, You made me proud."
5 comments:
It doesn't seem like it's been a whole year since we lost dad. Some days are better then others, but thanks to the loving support of my family and friends I'm getting through it. There are so many things that make me think
of him & miss him. A song on the radio, someone pulling a horse trailer, there is even a man that comes into the 7-11 that reminds me so much of him that I look forward to him coming in. I still have his phone numbers programmed in my phone.I'm not ready to delete them yet. I know that's
strange, but I can't bring myself to get rid of them. I even called his numbers once. It was Thanksgiving of this year. They were already someone else's numbers. I guess the rest of the word is moving on faster then I am.
I miss my dad.but I'm glad that I have so many wonderful memories of him and stories to share. I'm sure I will always miss him and I know as the years go by it will get a little easier until the day I get to see him again. I'm not as good as my brother at writing these, but wanted to add a
little something of my own in Dad's memory.
I LOVE YOU DADDY!!!
Vicki
Dear Dad,
It seems so strange to be writing this letter to you a year after you've been gone, but some days that still doesn't seem real. I almost expect the phone to rind on Sundays and to hear your voice on the other end. Instead, it's Scott who calls, and he sounds so much like you some days it makes me want to cry. At the same time, it makes me smile, A year ago, Scott and I barely talked on the phone, but now we call each other when we're missing you.
Trips back homearen't the same. I try to avoid driving past your old place as much as I can. It reminds me of our visits to you, but also of the time we cleaned out your house. I felt like we were invading your privacy while we sorted and packed everything you owned. You would have been proud of us. No one fought over a thing. you would have loved watching the girls play in the yard and the stream too. I thought of how you wanted to get us all together for a cookout that summer. We were all there, Dad, and missing you!
The girls miss you terribly. It breaks my heart every time Taya carries around your picture or Leanna asks to visit you. Leanna draws you pictures all the time, and they are her treasures. No one else can touch them. Jenia doesn't say much, but she misses you too. She's quiet a lot when we talk about you and I can see the hurt in her eyes. Of all the girls, she'll remember you the most because she's older. I hope she'll share thos memories with her sisters. I'm afraid Leanna might not remember you some day, but she'll know all about her Buppie who loved her so much. I'll make sure of that! She wants you to teach her to ride a horse, so we'll do that someday and think of you.
I can't even begin to describe the void in my life since you died. I thought it'd be easier since I barely saw you, but I was wrong. I'm glad though. I wouldn't have wanted to go on like nothing happened. You are too important for that. God made sure there were people to help fill that emptiness though. Scott. He's amazing how he's stepped up, even though his own pain, to be there for all of us. Vicki and Colton, strong and silent. Chrissy, who is now one of us whether she wants it or not. It's been comforting getting to know her. A real blessing in all of this tragedy. Aunt Donna and Aunt Dee. Say what you would in life, but Dad, in your death they've been right beside us kids every chance they could. They helped us through the rough times and rallied around us when we had to say goodbye to Frank too. Crazy, I know, but the Alters are a family again! Our love for you, and our loss of you, united us like nothing else could have. We have aunts and an uncle and cousins we haven't had in years. A sister we never met, and you gave us that as one last parting gift. Thank you!
What I wouldn't give for one more hug though. To hear you laugh at something stupid one of us has done. To watch you tease and tickle Taya until she laughs for you. I wanted you there to watch the girls grow up. I know you would have cried when each one graduated high school and college and when they got married. Maybe sometimes I took for granted that I thought you'd always be there. I'm sorry for that, but I won't make that mistake twice. I'm cherishing every moment I can get with family now. It means so much more. That time is more special. You are remembered so much at those times, and you'll always be loved, Daddy. None of us will ever forget the big cuddly teddy bear we were lucky enough to have for a dad. Until we meet again, Daddy...I LOVE YOU!!!
Robbie
Dear Bus, I have just read the comments of three of the neatest young people I have ever had the honor of knowing. In life you and I would never had this discussion. And I am sorry for my part in that. In death we Alter's have learned a really tough lesson and that is that life is to short for all the petty stuff we Alter's deem so important. My life because of your death is so different. I wish you were here so Icould tell you to your face that I am sorry I missed out on being a part of your life. I was so amazed at the lives you impacted. And I was really proud of you. I have become friends with some really neat people that knew and loved you. Thank-you for that. You are missed every day. I want you to know that your children have been champs through all of this. We will always remember the good times we had with you while you were alive and learn from the bad. Your sister, Donnarae
Well, lets see. I'm kind of like Vicki and not as good with words as Scott or even apparently like Robin, but here goes. I don't have many memories like the rest of you, the best one though is taking me for french fries at Virgil's. I'll never forget that and I was only like somwhere around 2 or 4, I've remembered it since then and I always will. I have learned to realize that when something bad happens, something good always follows. I have become part of a strange and interesting family who I love dearly and almost can't imagine not knowing. Robin, I don't know how much of a "gift" I am, maybe a pair of socks on Christmas when you were expecting a shiny red bike (ha ha), but you are all precious gifts to me. I hope you all know how much it means to me that you love me like you do, and I just want you to know that I feel that for you. Yes even Scott. In closing, if anyone wants to know one of the inappropriate things that Scott mentioned I know one of them. Seriously...I love you all. I hope my post is not inappropriate, but I think that Bus would enjoy it. I hope. Love Ya
I was not going to make any comment on Scott's blog but I have to let you all know how much I love you all, even you Chrissy, because you have add a lot of joy and happiness to my childrens life. I know there were times in your lives that you wondered if your father loved you, times you would like to forget, but I was there the first time he met my three. There never was a bigger baby than your father. Birth was more painful to him than to me. And when you wrapped your little hands around that big finger he would tear up and enclose your little hand in his. Even when he lost his way, in his most disagreeable moments he loved you all. This has been a rough day for me. I lost him twice. I had always hoped we could be friends again and I guess in a way we were. I had always hoped to see the Bob I fell in love with. But life changes a person and it was a priviledge to see how the community loved him. It made me see him with different eyes. I am so glad for what he gave us all in death and I know today he is smiling and thinking, finally he did something right, in bringing us all together again. Thanks Donna and Dee for being there for us through this and through Frank. And thank you kids for making me proud to be your mother.
Melanie
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