Before & After

There is nothing more desolate than a bachelors refrigerator, except maybe a fridge on Mtv's Cribs. For the last year my fridge has remained mostly constant. Except for the cheese slices, everything in the picture on the left has probably been there for a year. Ketchup & hot sauce don't go bad, I hope.

Maybe I took a harder shot to the head in my accident than I had originally thought. Something must be wrong if I actually went out and got a butt load of groceries. I am serious about my fridge looking like the pic on the left for the last year. Once in a while I have gotten a few things, but not enough to amount to anything, mostly pizza and doggie bags.

Maybe I am really a Rock Star, or maybe I'm just getting older and tired of trying to live like a rock star. Its probably the later. When I got my new car I actually got a automatic transmission instead of a 5-speed. I figured it would help me drive less like a NASCAR Driver. I also opted on my 2nd choice of cars, because my 1st choice was more expensive and I wanted to save some money to buy a house. Ouch, I have a Migraine, yup definitely a shot to the head.

Pathway To Infinity

Tonight I just finished reading Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins, for the second time. The first was in December of 2004. I will have to say that the story is very strange, but very interesting. I got a lot out of the book the first time I read it, but I read it to fast, this time I was able to digest it a little bit better. The entire book isn't soaked in deep thought like the 2 parts I am going to share, so don't let that scare you away, or think I'm turning into a hippy. I just wanted to share the parts that for some reason jumped out at me, and made me go back and re-read them. The first paragraph is what caught my eye the first time I read the book. What made it stand out was that I felt it related to me, the person I was, and some of the things I was realizing I needed to work on. The last 3 paragraphs jumped out at me tonight as I was reading them. I haven't quite figured out why yet, but it will come to me with some deep meaning, I am sure.

"Reality is subjective, and there's an unenlightened tendency in this culture to regard something as "important" only if 'tis sober and severe. Sure and still
you're right about your Cheerful Dumb, only they're not so much happy as lobotomized. But your Gloomy Smart are just as ridiculous. When you're unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don't think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin' on himself and start payin' attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form o' self-indulgence."


Meanwhile, we are beleaguered. We hold the pass. The fragile hold the pass precariously, hiding behind boulders of ego and dogma. The heroic hold the pass a bit more tenaciously, gracefully acknowledging their follies and absurdities, but insisting, nevertheless, on heroism. Instead of shrinking, the hero moves ever toward life. Life is largely material, and there is no small heroism in the full and open enjoyment of material things. The accumulation of material things is shallow and vain, but to have a genuine relationship with such things is to have a relationship with life and, by extension, a relationship with the divine.
To physically overcome death - is that not the goal? - we must think unthinkable thoughts and ask unanswerable questions. Yet we must not lose ourselves in abstract vapors of philosophy. Death has his concrete allies, we must enlist ours. Never underestimate how much assistance, how much satisfaction, how much comfort, how much soul and transcendence there might be in a well-made taco and a cold bottle of beer.
The solution to the ultimate problem may prove to be elemental and quite practical. Philosophers have argued for centuries about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, but materialist have known all along that it depends on whether they are jitterbugging or dancing cheek to cheek.

3 Weeks & 3 Days or My New Car

I have to tell you, That was a wild ride. A ride that came to a very abrupt halt. First of all, Yes, I am ok. Thanks for asking. A little cut on my chin that's about it. I also have a bruise from my knee crushing into the dash board. The worst of it came from the seat belt and airbag hitting my chest. The car, a small pine tree, and a defenseless telephone pole didn't fare as well.

After "Are you ok?", the next question is "What Happened!? The roads were wet, I hit a slippery spot and lost control of my car. I am usually a very good driver, but I was not able to re-gain control of the car. It was only a matter of time before my Insomnia caught up with me.

Some of you may be wondering about the title of this specific blog. Well its obvious from the picture above that I am going to get a new car. Maybe your wondering if the Three Weeks part has to do with my previous blog, "Three Weeks". Well yes, it kind of does. My accident was on April 7. Three Weeks & Three Days from the date of my accident is May 1. That is the 1 year anniversary of my Dad's death. He died in a single vehicle accident that was very similar to mine.

The reality of everything really hit me. This close to the anniversary of my dad's death and the recent death of Frank really stressed me out. Something strange happened though. I have been able to sleep, which is something I haven't been able to do on a regular basis in years. Babies don't sleep this good!
Good night, I'm off to the Land of Nod.

Insomnia

Without sleep everything becomes and out-of-body experience. I haven't slept well for quite a while now. I have been a night owl and a restless sleeper for many years. Some times my sleep aphnea wakes me up, other times I choke on a lack of air and go right on sleeping. I don't actually know this, but it's what I have been told. This is different though. It hit me Monday night. Last week I would dream that I couldn't breath, my heart would beat so hard it would wake me up. This is different though. I wish that I could sleep as well as I did last week. Monday night I slept for half a hour. Got up and wasn't even tired. I could feel it in my mind, in my sub-conscious, but my body was up and alert. Last night wasn't much better. I was in a nice comfortable bed, but I still didn't get more than an hour and a half of sleep. Tonight, I'm out with friends. They all tell me how tired I look and that I should get some sleep. I agree, but its kinda hard when you feel like you just drank a pot of coffee. Your body is willing, but your mind just wont rest.

Have you ever seen the movie Fight Club? Or better yet, read the book? Its kinda like that feeling. You don't know who you are or where your at. You vaguely know, but your not exactly sure. Do you even want to know? You want to sleep, your body wants to rest, but your mind wont let you. You feel like you are two people inhabiting the same body, each demanding equal time to go enjoy life but not having the energy to do it. Everything seems so familiar, but your not sure if you have actually been here before.

Its been a long year. A year I haven't slept much. For a night owl like me, who has to get up early for work, I'm used to being sleep deprived. 2 hours in 2 nights is more than I can take.

WATSON 363 take me away!

THOR

I have heard people say that "God won't give you more than you can handle", maybe sometimes he just gives you a needed distraction.


Its been a long week and the weight of it all didn't really hit me till last night. Stress, Insomnia, I couldn't sleep. I slept for half a hour last night and was ready to go when the alarm went off this morning. So much has happened in the last year, my mind is racing and I can't focus on any one thing. To many things vying for my attention and thought, but no way to clear my thoughts or dry the memories from my eyes.

Fortunately today I had something to focus my energy on for a short time. We closed a branch today. Now my job is very diverse. I repair everything from the delicate electronics and computers to the vaults and steel work. Today we got to get out the BIG hammer and break into safe deposit boxes that didn't have keys or no longer opened.

The Viking god Thor would have enjoyed this work as much as I did. Power, sparks, wrath, sweet solace from my over active thoughts. I went at it with energy, determination, and restlessness. I felt like Hephaestus as the metal smoked where there was still a bit of oil on it and the flying fragments burnt my hands from the heat generated by the hammer strikes. The ringing of the hammer against steel and brass was the only thing entering my head.

By the end of the fun I was soaked in sweat. My arms and chest were stiff and sore. My hand was bloody, burnt, and smelling of metal. But my mind was clear, for a while at least.