Three Weeks

Those of you who have read some of my previous post on here will probably think I am contradicting myself with this one. That is the farthest thing from the truth. What I am about to say and talk about is how Life Is Short. Yes, I have said Life Is Long, and it is, but this post goes hand in hand with that one. There is time to fix your mistakes, time for a second chance, time to make amends, time to start fresh, time to get it right. BUT...............................



What if you were told you had 3 weeks to live? What would you do different? Of all thing things listed in the above paragraph, what would you find the time for? Would you be a better friend, husband/wife, parent, child, brother or sister? Would you say the kind words that you think that special person already knows, but feel there is no pressing reason to say them? Would you sit down and watch your favorite TV show or go skydiving instead?

I have seen both sides of this. I have seen people with heavy burdens because they missed out on the chance to say or do what they really felt deep down in their heart. I have also been fortunate enough to say words that didn't really need to be said, and experienced the happiness it created to say them and to have them heard. There are also things I should have said in the past that I didn't, but if I am fortunate enough I hope to have the opportunity to say them in the future.

We all make mistakes, and there is hopefully time and opportunity to fix those mistakes. What we need to focus on is avoiding those mistakes from the beginning. Saying "I'm Sorry" is never a easy thing, personally I would rather get it right in the first place, but mistakes are how you learn, and its how most people start off. They say "You can't take it with you when you go", but you also cant take it back once that person is gone.

My dad was taken from us suddenly 11 months ago. I feel thankful that there was no need to say anything that was left unsaid. Frank, who was my second father, was diagnosed with cancer that same week. I also feel thankful that even though I felt there was nothing that needed to be said between us, I still took the time to say it anyway.

Life happens fast, it really is quick in the eternal scheme of things. If you don't take advantage of it, it will pass you by. If you don't appreciate that fact that Life is Long enough to have second chances, you will continue to make the same mistakes. Don't just embrace change, search out the positive aspects of it. Complacency is the easy road, but a road that takes you only to places that you have already been. Stubbornness, To Much Pride, and Lack Of Self-Contemplation will take you to the same places. There is to much of life out there to not go exploring and take some chances.

Life is to short. To short to hold a grudge or hold on to the past. Most of us know some old whiner who holds on to wrongs done to him, whether they be legitimate or imagined. He suffers constantly, focusing and complaining about the past till no one wants to be around him, or hear his sob story. Letting go of the past is something I have struggled with. I have let things fester and rot inside my thoughts till something simple would grow to titanic proportions. Since then I have learned that it is better to leave the past in the past.

When we are younger, we always think our life will be long. We think we are immortal, but we don't always think about the second chances we still have. We never know when those second chances will run out. Life isn't always that generous. Sometimes three weeks is really only 6 days.

What if you were told you had 3 weeks to live? What would you do different? Why haven't you been living your life that way already? Life Is Still Long enough to change that!


To a man who lived every day, and always spoke his mind!
Frank J. Nader, Jr
August 14, 1939 - March 22, 2006
RIP

Deep Thoughts

Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine.
Sir Arthur Eddington English astronomer (1882 - 1944)


This is one of my favorite pictures. Its the Hubble Deep Field. Its a picture that was taken over 10 days in December 1995. The picture was taken of a small area in the Big Dipper. The area the photo covers is roughly equal to the size of a dime at 75 feet. What fascinates me so much about this picture is that every object you see in the picture is not a star, its a galaxy. There are approximately 1,500 galaxy's in this photo. It Boggles my mind to think of all that "Stuff" out there in such a small area of the vast sky. If you click on the picture it will take you to the NASA Astronomy Picture Of The Day. It is one of my favorite sites.

My mind has been cluttered the last few weeks. I have tried to think ponder and sort out the things of everyday life, but no such luck. Just to many things coming at me at once. Like a swarm of angry insects coming at you. No time to focus on one thing, everything is coming at you so fast you can't focus or concentrate. No time for deep thoughts, only action and re-action.

I am hoping this will help to clear my mind. This picture really captures my mind. It makes me feel insignificant, yet still inspires me to Dream and Reach.

Even trying to imagine how big the Earth is becomes a monumental task for me. Then try to imagine the proportions of our Sun, our solar system and our galaxy, the Milky Way. Incomprehensible. Now this will really blow your mind, our galaxy contains between 200 billion to 400 billion stars. Some of them have planets. Those 1,500 galaxies in the picture above are in a very small area of the sky. I can't even begin to imagine how many other galaxies there are, or how many starts there are in them.

As I look at the picture I wonder "What's out there?" ET? Klingons? Wookies? Cylons? Space Balls? God? Nothing? I'm not trying to go X-Files on anyone here. Its been less than 37 years since Neil Armstrong took his "giant leap for mankind". What will our generation get to witness or the generations after us. I have seen the space shuttle explode twice, both the Berlin Wall and the World Trade Center come down and I'm still only 32. Now this isn't a serious quote, but its one that makes me think. Its from the movie Men In Black "1500 years ago, everybody "knew" that the earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody "knew" that the earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you "knew" that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll "know" tomorrow. "

Ok, now that I have my mind back on its more normal wave length, I can get back to my Deep Thoughts! Now if I could only figure out how "42" fits into all of this!

Monday the 13th

Is it just me or does anyone else think that Monday the 13th should be way scarier than Friday the 13th???

Postsecret

No rants or raves here. Just wanted to pass along a very interesting website. People send in confessions or secrets on a home made postcard. Some of the stuff is very interesting, sometimes a little strange. The simplicity and raw emotion are what I find fascinating. They put up new post cards every Sunday and take down the old ones, so if you like the site check back on a weekly basis. To go to the site either click on the Postcard above or go here: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

New Years Resolution part 2

This last weekend I was talking to my sister Robin about how my original New Years Resolution blog didn't turn out how I wanted it to. I got a little side tracked and could have rambled on and on for a long time and never talked about some of the things I originally wanted to say. She told me that I should write a part 2. I said "Nah, I barely had the energy or creativity to do the first one". Well here we are at part 2, thanks to my other sister, Chrissy. Earlier in the evening I was talking to a "close friend" about letting go of the past, so it was in the back of my mind. When I talked to Chrissy the subject came up again. We got into a serious discussion about life and such. I think the only real conclusion we came to is that the other is not as bull headed or idiotic as we first suspected. Well, maybe. Either way I was able to connect with some of the original inspiration I had for part 1. So here goes. Warning, this rambles on, so you may just want to skip down to the next blog.

Change. It's good! The only thing that's constant is Change. As I said before, this has definitely been a year for change. Even when it's a bad change, some good can come out of it. I have always been a fan of history. I have seen this quote written a few different ways, either way its from George Santayana and its one of my favorites: "'Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it". I still believe that. The thing that has changed has been my ability to let things go. I have always had problems with that. You can ask any of my ex-girlfriends, they will tell you that I can build a wall bigger than the Chinese.

The past is the past, and you can't get to the future if your still clinging to the baggage of days long gone. Don't call bad things that happened in the past "Baggage" either. That's a negative way to look at things. What has happened in the past is what makes you who you are today, its what has shaped the person you have become and you shouldn't let that be a negative thing. Can you believe that Steve Folmar is the person that taught me what I wrote in the last 3 sentences, I know, I can hardly believe it myself. Just don't let it control you or keep you from improving your future. I have definitely been guilty of this, but that is all in the past, Hopefully. :)

I started building my wall when I was 6. I never wanted to go through or put anyone through what my mom went through when dad left. I felt that if I could just stay detatched enough I would be safe. I am usually a very positive, glass is half full kind of person. This is one area where I alwasys have expected things to go wrong. I'm going to steal a analogy from a "friend" here (that's right, you know who you are), If its snowing outside, I don't look out and think how beautiful the snow looks, I think about the patch of ice that I am going to step on, slip, fall, and crack my head open. Not her exact words, but you get the point. The big problem with all of this is that deep down I want to be in my 80's and still holding hands, like my grandparents do.

The question is, Is this a matter of Survival or Self Destruction. I used to believe it was survival. I used the term "defense mechanism" to describe when things would get to real or when I would let stupid little things bother me. In reality I was keeping myself from getting hurt, but I was also keeping myself from being truly happy. I have done this for 26 yrs and only recently had the sense to make a effort to stop the insanity. It becomes a endless cycle. Everyone has some kind of a wall. If you don't let them in your wall, they back off, then you get scared because they are backing off, so you build your wall higher. All you end up doing is building a barrier between you and the potential for happiness or true friendship.

The past can be a hard thing to get over. You have to decide if you want to cling to something that is just going to be a albatross around your neck or if you want to look up at the stars and actually reach for the future instead of just dreaming about it. "What Might Have Been". Some people look at other people and think "when are you going to screw me over". Some people live by Crede Nemo which is Latin. Crede: to believe / trust, commit / trust in, rely on/ think Nemo: no one, nobody. I have thought this way and hurt others so they though this way. I'm 32 now and I'm to old for that. When people used to ask me why I wasn't married yet, I would tell them, "I wasn't old enough yet". Even at 30, that was the truth. I still had, and probably still do, a lot of growing up to do. Now I'm at the point in my life where I tell people "I haven't met the right girl yet." Or maybe I have and she just doesn't know it yet. Either way the point is, before I wasn't at a place in my life where I would have been able to make things work out regardless, now I am. I knew I wasn't ready and didn't pretend to be. Maybe I missed out on a good opportunity, but Life Is Long and I believe there is still time for another chance. For once I am being optimistic about this aspect of my life. The past is a easy thing to let go of once you realize what's more important. Everyone has a past, things they regret, but that cant be changed. That's why its in the past. That's why its good to have 2nd and 3rd chances at life. Life is Long.

I'm not usually this personal or open about things like this. This blog is being written for a specific reason. There are one or two people that I want to read this, but it was specifically written for one person. I am surprised I am even publishing this for everyone to read. I didn't really feel like writing about this but the subject kept coming up all week with many different people, also my horoscope said to go for it. Here is to many Peaceful, Happy Day's dreaming about the future, like in the picture above.

Our First Christmas

Well I know that February 25th isn't actually Christmas, but it feels like it to me. The sisters usually come up from DC in February and that's when we get to do Christmas. I don't know what was harder regular Christmas or this weekend. The weekend wasn't bad, but leading up to it was a little rough. The 3 hour car trip on Friday always has me thinking. This is our First Christmas with out Dad.

I had a great time though. We were extremely busy. Trying to clean moms house out so she could rent it out. Its always a pain trying to see all the friends and family. I got to spend 20 min and 2 captain & cokes w/ one of my best friends, Rob. I also got to spend Sunday and a very good dinner with my grandparents. Unfortunately we didn't get to see all the family, next time though.

The most important thing for me about this trip was spending time with my brother and all my sisters. Saturday was the first time we have all been together since the first day we met, at the funeral. Robin and Vicki can probably tell you that the busy day was stressing me out because I didn't think the 5 of us would get to spend time together. This was very important for me since the old man couldn't be there. I'm sure he would have loved to have seen us all together. Acting like a bunch of idiots. Being the oldest is usually great. Until they decide to gang up on you. I had all 4 of them sitting on me and giving me wet willies. I can see him sitting there with that big shit eatin grin on his face and laughing at all of us. Somehow I still think he was.
Till next year.......................

Merry KissMyAss!

Crazy Old Soldier

I was doing some traveling today. Thinking of the old man, drinkin, and some of the crazy shit I shouldnt have done. What a fitting song to pop up on the MP3 Player. I miss you Old Man. Here's to You, Me, & all the other Crazy Old Soldiers out there. May our troubled soul's find some peace.


Crazy Old Soldier by Johnny Cash

I’ve had fame and fortune
Women come knock on my door
I’ve live to the limit maybe a little bit more
There are so many stories of how I got out of control
Some say it’s a woman
Some say it’s my troubled soul
I’m like a crazy old solider
fightin’ a war on my own
Just me and the whiskey
And the bottles are ten thousand strong
You’d think I’d give up
as many times as I’ve been hit
But like a crazy old soldier
I just don’t know when to quit

Barrooms and bedrooms
Are just faces and places and names
Once for the pleasure
And Lord knows once for the pain
I’ve tried to forget her
And all of the things that we’ve done
But as long as there are memories
I’ll never hang up my gun

I’m like a crazy old solider
Fightin’ a war on my own
Just me and the whiskey
And the bottles are ten thousand strong
You’d think I’d give up
As many times as I’ve been hit
But like crazy old solider
I just don’t know when to quit
Like a crazy old solider
I just don’t know when to quit

Life Is Long

Life is Long. Most of you will probably disagree with that, especially my family after the long year we have all had. Most people think that life is short, and in the case of death it is. Once you die, then life becomes short, up until that moment, Life is Long. Confused? Let me explain, but first some background information.
Back in January we were re-locating some equipment. The boss was off so I was in charge. I mostly just had to stand around while the electricians, alarm company, carpenters, movers, etc did most of the work. I had to make a few decisions but nothing to drastic. This is all taking place on busy College Ave. in State College PA. Of course everyone's work was distracted from time to time by the young college girl walking down the sidewalk, everyone would look and someone would almost always make a comment. The only person seemingly not effected by this was the Property Manager for the building we were working in. He was all business. On the final day as we were wrapping things up he & I were just having idle conversation. As a pretty girl walked by outside he casually mentioned "I love working in this town". After that we got talking briefly about life, career, marriage, things like that. Then he said something very interesting and profound. "Life is Long".
Up until this point I have always been a believer in Life is Short. He told me that him and his wife always argue about this. She is one of those "Life is short" kind of people. He explained that when he was younger he had cancer and now he was cured. He got married in his 30's when most people already have a divorce. That last part sounded very familiar to me. Making any sense yet?
I wish I could repeat everything he said, but I will do the best to summarize and add a little bit of my own. People get married, then divorced, then remarried. You start a business, go bankrupt, and always have the opportunity to start a new one. Life is ever changing and even though it can be short, it is long enough that you can adapt and change with it. You learn from your mistakes and do better the next time. If you always wanted to go sky diving, well there is still time. If life was short you would have to settle for 2nd best because you may not have enough time to wait for the right moment, but Life Is Long, so hold out for the best it has to offer. A lot of people, including myself are guilty of short changing themselves.
You can find Love, Hope, Forgiveness or Happiness at any moment. There is always a 2nd chance. Live life like every day could be your last, because it could. Just remember to live you life like there is going to be a wonderful tomorrow, because it will be. There is of course a negative side to this as well. Tragedy is inevitable. No matter how long your life is, it will eventually get short. Now don't think I'm trying to preach "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy blowing smoke up your butt", that's not what this blog is about. Its about second chances and making up for missed opportunities. If you have regrets in your life, don't dwell on it, fix it. You cant succeed without failure. Don't forget the past, those that forget the past are condemned to repeat it, but learn to let those old things go and move on to what comes next.
Just remember to live life like it is long, until the day it gets short.

Valentines Day

Well its been a long year and a even longer 9 years. What started out as a accident turned into a tradition. Well almost, its stopping this year because I have run out of room. I was much more of a exhibitionist 9 years ago, this year sparked that up again, but not as much as in the past. I guess the novelty wore off, well just a little. I am more balanced this time though. 8 years of walking slightly to the right. Back then I was a trend setter, now everyone is doing it, at least I got in ahead of the curve. It still shocks people to learn this about me, I am genuinely a clean cut quiet guy. There are a few people that have some crazy nickname for me, but that has always been the case. Most of the time I forget about it, but other times it becomes my nervous habit. Strangely I was more scared and nervous the 2nd time around. At first I played it off as a bitter thing I was doing, even though it never was. It was actually just a coincidence the first time, the 2nd time was all about timing and a conversation about it 2 weeks prior. It was mostly just a spontaneous fun thing to do. I definitely don't regret it either time.
Confused???? Good!
Happy Valentines Day

Mondays

Is it just me or does anyone else think that Monday the 13th should be way scarier than Friday the 13th???