
Well this is actually being posted a month after the date I intended to post it, Its August now instead of July. I posted it twice and took it down both times. Maybe third time is a charm. I'm not sure why I kept taking it down, maybe I was just not ready to share this or maybe the timing just wasn't right yet. Either way anytime this was edited I never took anything from it, I only added small pieces till they seemed to fit right. Anyway, here it is for you thoughts and analysis. For those of you that will try to read the 'invisible ink' that always ends up in my blogs "No, its not who your thinking!"
i have mentioned my journal a few times and how i like to look back and reflect on some of the things that have happened years past. Some times i don't need to look back to remember what happened on a specific date. Of course everyone reading this will think it has something to do with my dad, Frank, totaling my car or some other such incident. This is a story that has so far not been told. A story i'm not so proud to tell. One that changed my life initially for the worst, but eventually sent me wondering down a path................ a path that will eventually take me where i need to go. i hope! The day was July 3, early 2000 something, although i can't remember the exact year off the top of my head.
"How can you trust someone if you cant trust yourself!" That is something my grandmother included at the end of a letter she wrote me probably 12 years ago. She would always write letters about simple things, life in general. At the end she would always add a Bible verse or some words of moral wisdom. About this time in my life i was in the middle of my first serious relationship and i think she was trying to counsel me on pre-marital sex or adultery. At the time i didn't understand that particular sentence, but for some reason it always stuck in my head.
After it happened i knew exactly what that sentence meant. The guilt stuck on me. i had no reason to not trust her, but if i could do such a thing than why couldn't she? That's not the kind of person i was, but some how i still did it. What was she out doing while i was out doing what i was doing? Who was she calling? She had accused me before i ever had, so what was the worst that could happen? She already thought i had, so she couldn't be anymore mad than she already was, right? If she wouldn't have accused me i would have never done it, maybe she had done it first. A thousand excuses, but not one that put me at ease.
our relationship was over. Even if i never told her, things would never be the same.
When you start a new relationship the inevitable question is always "have you ever cheated?" i think most people say "no" even if it's a lie. Other people will admit that they have and then somewhere down the road when the subject comes up again deny it ever happened. These are the people that believe without a doubt "once a cheater always a cheater". i believe that since the first is already lying that they eventually will. The 2nd scenario the person is already covering their tracks, so most likely they already have. At least that's how it happened to me when the shoe was on the other foot.Even after that relationship ended i still felt the guilt. i knew that i would never do such a thing again. i never wanted to go through that again let alone put someone else through it. i knew i wasn't that person, but i still didn't trust myself. my next relationship ended because i couldn't trust myself yet. i was to afraid that i might still be that person and i wanted to make sure those things didn't happen again. so i kept myself at a distance till i felt safe that i could be trusted again. Unfortunately my verbal skills are not as good as my writing skills and i was not able to make her understand this.
Karma's first strike, but it wasn't her last! Yes, i believe Karma is a woman, a woman scorned. Maybe someday i will tell in full the story of my encounter with Karma. Maybe our rendezvous is not finished. I hope it is. Either way the elaborate intricateness of what has happened is something i'm not able to put into words on my best day, even if i did want to talk about it.
So when the inevitable question comes up i always answer "yes". I'm not proud of it, but people do learn from their mistakes. "Once a cheater always a cheater" is for the weak minded. I have been accused of this but its only by people who have not taken the time to get to know me or by those who have not learned from their own mistakes. Its been a long steep journey over the last two and a half years. I have learned so much in that time and have tried to use this blog to reflect, help me remember and clear my mind.
This was a hard blog for me to write. Probably because of that, i didn't do the story any kind of justice. It took me 2 weeks to write it, then i posted it for about 8 hours and took it down, than i sat on it for a week while more pressing events in my life unfolded. Maybe i will leave it up this time. Re-reading it now, the story feels flat compared to what actually happened. Maybe its better left that way. It always pops in my mind this time of year. But some people say I'm just to sensitive or I focus to much on the past. Again, people who don't take the time to know me, both the Jekyll & the Hyde. Maybe this well help satiate the inner beast. Well its late, this blog is 3 weeks late and I'm off to bed. Hopefully to sleep soundly as long as my tooth ache doesn't bother me. Good night, sleep tight and watch out for Mr. Hyde >:)
I guess the point of this is about trust. Its easy to loose, impossible to get back. Most importantly, you can't earn trust unless you know how to trust.