This last weekend I was talking to my sister Robin about how my original New Years Resolution blog didn't turn out how I wanted it to. I got a little side tracked and could have rambled on and on for a long time and never talked about some of the things I originally wanted to say. She told me that I should write a part 2. I said "Nah, I barely had the energy or creativity to do the first one". Well here we are at part 2, thanks to my other sister, Chrissy. Earlier in the evening I was talking to a "close friend" about letting go of the past, so it was in the back of my mind. When I talked to Chrissy the subject came up again. We got into a serious discussion about life and such. I think the only real conclusion we came to is that the other is not as bull headed or idiotic as we first suspected. Well, maybe. Either way I was able to connect with some of the original inspiration I had for part 1. So here goes. Warning, this rambles on, so you may just want to skip down to the next blog.
Change. It's good! The only thing that's constant is Change. As I said before, this has definitely been a year for change. Even when it's a bad change, some good can come out of it. I have always been a fan of history. I have seen this quote written a few different ways, either way its from George Santayana and its one of my favorites: "'Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it". I still believe that. The thing that has changed has been my ability to let things go. I have always had problems with that. You can ask any of my ex-girlfriends, they will tell you that I can build a wall bigger than the Chinese.
The past is the past, and you can't get to the future if your still clinging to the baggage of days long gone. Don't call bad things that happened in the past "Baggage" either. That's a negative way to look at things. What has happened in the past is what makes you who you are today, its what has shaped the person you have become and you shouldn't let that be a negative thing. Can you believe that Steve Folmar is the person that taught me what I wrote in the last 3 sentences, I know, I can hardly believe it myself. Just don't let it control you or keep you from improving your future. I have definitely been guilty of this, but that is all in the past, Hopefully. :)
I started building my wall when I was 6. I never wanted to go through or put anyone through what my mom went through when dad left. I felt that if I could just stay detatched enough I would be safe. I am usually a very positive, glass is half full kind of person. This is one area where I alwasys have expected things to go wrong. I'm going to steal a analogy from a "friend" here (that's right, you know who you are), If its snowing outside, I don't look out and think how beautiful the snow looks, I think about the patch of ice that I am going to step on, slip, fall, and crack my head open. Not her exact words, but you get the point. The big problem with all of this is that deep down I want to be in my 80's and still holding hands, like my grandparents do.
The question is, Is this a matter of Survival or Self Destruction. I used to believe it was survival. I used the term "defense mechanism" to describe when things would get to real or when I would let stupid little things bother me. In reality I was keeping myself from getting hurt, but I was also keeping myself from being truly happy. I have done this for 26 yrs and only recently had the sense to make a effort to stop the insanity. It becomes a endless cycle. Everyone has some kind of a wall. If you don't let them in your wall, they back off, then you get scared because they are backing off, so you build your wall higher. All you end up doing is building a barrier between you and the potential for happiness or true friendship.
The past can be a hard thing to get over. You have to decide if you want to cling to something that is just going to be a albatross around your neck or if you want to look up at the stars and actually reach for the future instead of just dreaming about it. "What Might Have Been". Some people look at other people and think "when are you going to screw me over". Some people live by Crede Nemo which is Latin. Crede: to believe / trust, commit / trust in, rely on/ think Nemo: no one, nobody. I have thought this way and hurt others so they though this way. I'm 32 now and I'm to old for that. When people used to ask me why I wasn't married yet, I would tell them, "I wasn't old enough yet". Even at 30, that was the truth. I still had, and probably still do, a lot of growing up to do. Now I'm at the point in my life where I tell people "I haven't met the right girl yet." Or maybe I have and she just doesn't know it yet. Either way the point is, before I wasn't at a place in my life where I would have been able to make things work out regardless, now I am. I knew I wasn't ready and didn't pretend to be. Maybe I missed out on a good opportunity, but Life Is Long and I believe there is still time for another chance. For once I am being optimistic about this aspect of my life. The past is a easy thing to let go of once you realize what's more important. Everyone has a past, things they regret, but that cant be changed. That's why its in the past. That's why its good to have 2nd and 3rd chances at life. Life is Long.
I'm not usually this personal or open about things like this. This blog is being written for a specific reason. There are one or two people that I want to read this, but it was specifically written for one person. I am surprised I am even publishing this for everyone to read. I didn't really feel like writing about this but the subject kept coming up all week with many different people, also my horoscope said to go for it. Here is to many Peaceful, Happy Day's dreaming about the future, like in the picture above.
