Well its definitely been a long year for Me and all my family. I was originally going to write something about what happened in the last year, what I wanted for the new year, or something like a year in review. That is so over done and I just didn't feel the energy or excitement to do it even though the idea kept popping up in my mind. What actually got me to write this, even after much procrastination was something my sisters wrote in their Christmas letters. Now before you read these letters and some of the things I am about to say about myself please don't think I am just trying to boost my own ego or brag, I'm just trying to sort some of the thoughts out. That is one of the reasons I started this, I have been keeping a journal for almost 9 years now and it definitely has helped me sort out my thoughts and things about me I don't understand. Placing them on the internet for everyone to see takes it to the next level and really helps me to understand myself better which is the whole purpose of this specific blog.
Both Robin & Vicki sent out Christmas letters. This one is what Robin sent, but Vicki's is almost word for word.
I feel I have been blessed enough to see some of the good that has come from our loss: our family pulling together, my brother becoming an amazing man or maybe just sharing it with us more, getting to meet family we'd not met before.
This kind of threw me at first. I have never been very good at taking a complement. Some of you will doubt this, but it is true. At first I thought they just haven't gotten to spend enough time around me in the last few years and that maybe I was just "sharing it with them more", as Robin said in her letter.
It really got me thinking though because I know I have changed a lot in the last year, but I didn't think it was that much. As I dwelt on this I thought of some of the things people have said to me in the last year that I just kind of shrugged off as people being nice. Its actually a very serendipitous story.
Early last year I was having a very rough time dealing w/ the end of a long term relationship. I was hanging out, partying and meeting a lot of new people. One particular night I was at my local hang out and I met some middle aged hippy chick. I don't remember her name and I have never seen her since that night. We struck up a conversation and it was very interesting. She started talking about my aura and how I was always helping people and people would come to me for advice. She said people thought of me as wise and considered me a "master". I'm not really sure what she meant by this, but I just assumed she was high or something. I did find the conversation very interesting but didn't dwell on it much after that. Till about 2 weeks later.
I was at another local establishment and was hanging out w/ my close friend Leslie (she is the one that made me my birthday collage). Some one talked me into giving their friend a ride back to Tyrone. I said I would do it. Then when I saw this vagrant I started to regret agreeing. He was a mess and I didn't feel secure that he wouldn't get sick in my car. I knew that I could leave and he would never notice or remember that I said I would give him a ride. I couldn't do that though. On the way back to Tyrone he was telling me his woman problems. Well I am definitely a expert on women problems but by far no authority to give advice. If I was, maybe I wouldn't have so many problems. I did give him some advice that I thought was very solid. Take some time off and get yourself straight. He didn't listen, but I didn't expect he would. The hippy chick's words came back to me about people seeking advice from me. This was just a random instance but it made me feel like this guy was placed in my path for a purpose. I wasn't sure if it was for me to help him out or not, but I did feel there was a reason.
I didn't run into him for months. The day I finally ran into him, I didn't even recognize him. He recognized me and remembered my name. He had just got out of prison and felt some kind of bond with me from our previous conversation. Every time he would see me he would come over and talk to me. I would talk to him about trying to stay out of trouble. Some of my family call me when they are missing my dad. This makes me feel good that I remind them of him, but it also makes me sad when they call crying. Now I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and stop calling after they read this. Even though it makes me sad, it helps me deal with things and makes me feel good that people call me when they are feeling down. One particular day I was feeling very stressed out about all of this. I was talking to him and told him that even though it made me feel good it was my "burden". He told me it was also my "blessing" that I reminded people of my dad and that they obviously missed him and felt like they needed to talk to me about it. It really made me feel good.
It has definitely been a year for change. I feel a little wiser and have noticed a lot of people asking me for advice, or maybe I am just giving it more. Robin is right though, I am definitely sharing myself more. I have always been a very closed person, but have learned to express myself a lot recently. This blog for one thing is something I would have never done before. Now I have to work on not being so self-centered. Oh well, maybe next year ;)
